Part 4: Manhood

Chapter 3: Manhood

We last left our hero meditating by the well at Sychar. Apparently the locals learned a new game in the meantime:



Let's Play: Punch the Fascist! Eventually Hitler escaped before Charlie Brown got his shots in which is too bad.


Or at least it would be except that giving chase is totally allowed in a game of kick the fascist.


Too bad he hits back. Moving on!

Our next Location is the Mount of Olives. We're supposed to be heading north instead to get to the next Jesus scene, but this way we'll have some new scenery instead.


Some sources apparently believe "mount" means "sad looking lump". Anyway, lets meet some more locals.


Hank Henshaw! Where did you get those super bell-bottoms?


Metal Gear detects motion in this area. Charlie Brown is still very pleased with himself and decides to spread his gospel of hugs.





Its not always appreciated.



Of course, there are other consequences for unprotected hugging too.



I'm pretty good



Jesus isn't going to like this very much. Anyway Charlie Brown's 8 years old on this file. How the hell does puberty work in The You Testament?

Those crazy kids. They'll make it work somehow.


Awwwwwwwwww.

Take a look at the spirit bar in that whole sequence. Fathering a child is a serious sin. You have to just sit there forever to get it back.


So I do. Exciting cutting-Edge Gameplay!

Unfortunately the meditation session drained what sanity I had left and drove Charlie Brown nuts.


If your blue bar goes empty it fills up red and you lose control of your character. For an example just go back to the latest video update. Until it drains out your character becomes a violent psychopath.


This is for that stupid football


And this is for never being invited to Halloween parties


And this is for all the times the little red-haired girl acted like I don't exist


And this is for my little sister acting like a stinking whore every time that pedantic dent-headed little fuck comes around


His rampage was eventually put down as he came to his senses.

Now its time to try meditating again to get some good Jesus points before we meet again and break him the bad daddy news.


Unfortunately, Charlie hadn't quite worked everything out of his system. Meditating with negative spiritual energy activates a hidden power: throwing fireballs.


KILL THE KITE EATING TREE


All that took a lot out of us, so I took a drink and sat for a while to regenerate health.


That's right, go and do some work for once! No wonder you animals have never achieved anything...

Agustus Caesar doesn't care about blockhead people.


I hate to break it to you Socrates, but MDickie's doing it backwards.

We're so far away from the new Mrs. Brown, I don't know what to do. I need a friendly face, someone to keep me company.


Ah, that's better. No wait this is wrong!


I've cheated on my baby mama with an assassin droid. This is truly rock bottom.






Let's all take a moment to ponder that hairstyle.


John 2:12, The scriptural fetchquest. Luckily Vader was just being a little absent minded, I found a cup of wine on the other side of the table.


You really are a blockhead. Damn.




And that substance can be manipulated by anyone that is in tune with it. You'll see greater things than this! But for now, this will serve you well. Go and meditate at the very highest level and see what you make of it...

MDickie was so close SO DAMN CLOSE to being reasonably biblically accurate in his bible game until it went all "What the Bleep Do We Know?" at the end. This is the story of Jesus' first miracle, turning water into wine. Honestly its close enough for me until the promise of faith becomes using chakras to violate the law of conservation of matter.


So we meditate with Jesus like he wants...


And Karl Marx "redistributes" his wine. Charlie Brown is a loyal kid, he's not going to take that sitting down in any posture.


I worked hard to find the wine that turned into that wine. Go get Engels to buy you some you damn freeloader.


It may give you the illusion of being 'happy' for a while, but what will you wake up to!? It will stain the canvas of your life and leave God unable to paint upon it!

You know, you had me until the typo. Also, how hypocritical can you get when forbidding your followers to drink the wine you "miraculously" made for your followers? This is also the worst misappropriation of scripture yet, I actually find it offensive. Look it up yourself, I promise its worth it. I think MDickie just did a ctrl+f for 'wine' and went "there you go!".


CHUG!

This time the game remembers he's 8 and gives him a terrible tolerance for alcohol.




Need something to cure a hangover. Lets try making objects out of thin air!



Activate it just like healing and then hit left and right to cycle through all objects. Too bad these are all useless. If you stand up you can also use 's' to throw objects:



Bread help, but he's still not feeling better. Let's try asking Jesus for help!




Being around me may be good for your development, but you should also find time on your own.

"Go away kid, ya bother me"

At least there are still some friendly people in Cana.


Jesus told you to hit on me? I am getting really mixed signals here. You do know I have a kid, right?


I have a knack for making things awkward, sorry about that.

And so Charlie Brown learned a lot about life, himself, and Jesus. There's a brave new world out there for him as he takes his first steps as a man.